Thursday, April 14, 2011

Twilight sucks

Twilight sucks.  It worse than sucks, and it's bad for you.  I can't believe it's as popular as it is.  Are there that many insecure, teenage girls out there, bored with their lives?  Or as Bill Hicks would say, "is there that much babysitting money being passed around?"  I'm going to try to lay out why I hate it so much, and hopefully plant seeds of hate deep in the hearts of anyone who reads this.  Stephanie Meyer must be stopped at all costs.  And I mean why it sucks beyond the fact that Stephanie Meyer couldn't write herself out of a paper bag.  Her writing is adverb laden scat that has about as much literary value as toilet paper.  

First of all, vampires don't sparkle.  Period.  When Bram Stoker wrote Dracula, it was because there was an outbreak of syphilis and the book was a cautionary tale for young women to beware strange men with accents.  That's why vampirism is a disease of the blood, it leaves sores (bite marks), etc.  Vampires are supposed to be scary and gross.  It's a metaphor for sexually transmitted disease.  Vampirism is supposed to be something you want to avoid getting.  Like herpes.  Vampires that shimmer make about as much sense as a teenage girl saying, "I would love for my vag to turn black and rot off."  Not only that, but the glittering serves no purpose in the story.  If Bella had to use Edward's shine as a way to find him, it would be a plot point, and would serve the story.  But it doesn't.  It serves no purpose outside of making the vampires seem more beautiful.  

And you know what, Meyer?  You don't have to keep repeating how good looking Edward is on every single page.  I get it.  Once would've been enough.  Twice maybe, if you're really trying to drive the point home.  Over and over with the "dazzling porcelain God", and "perfectly toned chest".  If you cut out all of the descriptions of Edward's shocking good looks, the book would've been about 50 pages.  

Now imagine being perpetually in high school.  Seriously, close your eyes and visualize graduating and then registering for your sophomore year again right after you throw your cap.  It never ends.  I hated high school; it felt like prison.  Vampires that are over a hundred years old perpetually going to high school makes absolutely no sense.  Are they being punished for something?  I mean, if the vampires were going to school so they could make fun of all of the high school kids, that would be something.  Like they're just sitting in their chairs snickering with laughter the whole time.  That would make sense.  My friend's teenage daughter is on my facebook, and her overdramatic, teenage, soap-opera posts on her wall are hilarious.  They're seriously funnier than failblog.  But now that I'm an adult, the desire to go back to high school would sort of be like wanting to take a poop and then roll around in it for a while.  It makes no sense.  Twilight fans say it's so the vampires don't draw suspicion.  Yes, that makes perfect sense.  Nothing is less suspicious than a high school student who calls in sick every time the sun shines.  Why don't they just live in the woods and keep to themselves?  Then people would say, "the Cullens live in the woods, and keep to themselves."  But no, they have to hide in plain sight, despite the fact that they don't eat, never age, and shimmer when sunlight hits them.  Makes perfect sense.  

The main reason I hate Twilight is because it's misogyny written by a woman.  Bella can't do anything without Edward.  She's the protagonist, and she's completely useless.  Every third page is Bella almost dying and Edward swooping down to save the day (after we're told how beautiful he is, of course).  That's a perfect message to instill into the ripe young minds of adolescent girls.  Wait for a man to save you.  If I was a woman I'd be insulted.  Ellen Ripley and Sarah Connor, those are female protagonists.  Nausicca of the Valley of the Winds, that's a female protagonist.  They're protagonists because their actions propel the story forward.  Bella is a damsel in round-the-clock distress.  Remember the ending, how Bella gets to the warehouse or whatever, the bad vampire bites her, and then Edward swoops in to save the day?  Here's how it should've happened:  Edward gets there before Bella, and the bad vampire wrecks him.  Then Bella shows up - she's just a human, completely outmatched by the bad vampire - but she steels herself, and uses her sharp mind to turn the tables and saves the day.  That's an ending.  Everyone loves an underdog.  But no, Bella is the main character, and she spends the climax of her own story laying on the ground in the fetal position.

Women of the world, stop waiting for a man to save you.  Save yourselves.  I know you can do it.  The white knight's armor is so shiny because his mommy polishes it for him before doing his laundry for him.  Stop waiting for the fairy tale.  It isn't coming.  Stop waiting and live a sincere life.  You'll be better for it.  

Keep in mind that this is only the first book I'm talking about.  This is without going into the whole Jacob being in love with the vampire baby that's eating Bella from the inside out thing.  Twilight is awful.  It's the only book I've ever read that actually made me feel dumber when I put it down.  

No comments:

Post a Comment